Well....maybe not never.
I haven't believed in God since I was about 12 and my parents gave me the option of no longer having to go to church with them on Sundays. That was a tough decision: go to church and listen to some boring sermon about some shit that bore me to sleep, get scolded by my Bible thumping mother because I fell asleep, then endure Sunday school with kids I couldn't stand to be around learning about some anorexic hippie who had a bunch of followers for no apparent reason.
A man who created a movement that hates Jews.....even though he was supposedly a Jew himself.
Makes sense right?
I could do that or I could stay home with my older brother who didn't give a shit what I did. The parents would go to church, my brother would go to his friend's house or wherever it is they went on Sundays, and I'd go hiking or ride my bike.
The fact that church is boring and Sunday school is an extension of regular school, only with God books instead of math books has nothing to do with my lack of believing in God. I don't believe in God because the story doesn't add up.
If I told you that aliens visited us years ago and gave us the technology and the belief systems we have today, you'd call me a fuckin' lunatic. But I'm supposed to believe that some bearded white man who lives in the clouds created Carmen Electra from Adam Ant's rib?
I call bullshit.
In fact, if women really were derived from men, then wouldn't that make us all homosexuals?
Which is, in fact, frowned upon by the Church even though many a priest and preacher-man has used the power of the pulpit for their own twisted homosexual, child molesting deviance.
Some will argue that god didn't really create Carmen from Adam's rib....not literally. It's a translation issue. Just like the whole God created the world in 6 days yet it's taken the city of Seattle 10 years to come up with a solution for the Alaskan Way viaduct issue and they haven't even started implementing said solution, they've just talked about it and fleeced the people into voting for it.
I say, then get a new fucking translator. Shit, all the billions of people who speak all the different languages in this world and y'all motherfuckers can't find one single accurate translator in two thousand years?!!!
Yet you want me to follow your teachings.
That's like following FIAT blindly into the automotive industry.
"What's wrong FIAT Jesus?"
"Fucking car won't start. But you should learn from me."
"What's wrong FIAT Jesus?"
"Fucking car won't STOP!!!!!! Ahhhh, we're all gonna die!!!!! You should ride with me."
"What's wrong FIAT Jesus?"
"Fucking car's on fire. Hey man, would you mind walking up to QFC and picking me up some quinoa? Here's 5 bucks, you should follow me."
And so on and so forth.
Any way, I remember I asked a Sunday school teacher once before I stopped going why, if God is all powerful, all knowing and the all-time hit maker, are there all these problems in the world?
She told me because God gave us free will and people sometimes make bad decisions.
For such a smart guy, that sure was a fucking stupid move on God's part then, wasn't it?
And at what point did God realize that giving us free will maybe wasn't the best move? And why didn't he fix it? And why, if there is only one supposed God, are there all these other people in the world who believe in other Gods?
And why is Jesus always white in the paintings? Did God flunk Geography in school?
There's no way Jesus was white if he really was from Jerusalem....which is in Israel....and he wasn't black either for all you black power motherfuckers reading this.
He probably looked more like Osama Bin Laden than anything.
I mean, if we all descended from the same couple, then we should all share the same story and the same history and the same lineage which would make us all a bunch of inbred like-minded homosexuals.
But we're not.
At least I'm not.....homosexual that is. But some of my friends are.
But my gay friends aren't inbred....at least I don't think they are. One's Cuban, so I dunno about him...
And if we're all descended from the same two people how come there are black people and white people and Chinese people and Inuit people and Tongan people and why do the British talk funny and drive on the wrong side of the road?
Allow me to elaborate: if I have two black Labrador retrievers and I breed them, I'm most likely going to get:
Anyone? Anyone?
Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?
Black Lab puppies! That's right!
And if I breed those puppies, I'll get more black Lab puppies and so on an so forth.
At no fucking point will a goddamn grey poodle pop out of one of those puppies. Unless one of those Lab bitches has been fuckin' around with the dog next door.
At some point however, the dogs may end up resembling Sloth from the Goonies due to all the inbreeding.
At that point, even the religious nuts will tell me it's because people have adapted to living in different environments and that's why there are black people and white and Chinese people and British people who talk funny and drive on the wrong side of the road.
Ahhh...evolution.
But I thought you didn't believe in evolution?
Hypocrite.
They preach peace and harmony, yet more wars are fought in the name of religion than any other reason...including money. People are persecuted by religious fanatics because of cultural or religious differences.
They even supposedly killed Jesus for fuck's sake!
How is that love and harmony and understanding?
It still happens today. Homophobia, racism, sexual discrimination are all ammo that religious nuts use against us. Granted, the act of retaliation against things we don't understand is human nature and I can't fault anyone for that.
I can fault people for causing harm to others due to those prejudices.
I'm not here preaching that the churches are all hate and I am the all knowing all understanding. Quite to the contrary. There are certain types of people I don't like and I'm pretty fucking blatant about it.
But I'm not lynching people because of it. Some days I'd like to, but I don't.
The difference is, I'll tell you I don't like you and why I don't like you. I won't try to make you see my way because I've got more important things to do today like scratch my ball sac.
So don't ask me if I've found god, because maybe god doesn't want to be found. Maybe he's tired of everyone bugging him. Maybe he finally realized the mistakes he's made and he's tapping away on his Texas Instruments scientific calculator trying to get it all figured out. But wait....I thought He knew everything? Everything!
Or maybe he's just a character in a story like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny or Jason Voorhies.
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